Yes, that's right....my sweet babies will be 16 tomorrow. Amazing. Where did the time go? After a lovely meal of ramen noodles and Coke Zero, I've been been pouring over their pictures from the past years. Their birth. Their stay in NICU. Sitting in my old recliner after bath time mugging for the camera. Their first day of school in front of our old house, my old van. At the beach when we visited their grandparents (my parents). I want my old mini-van Mom life back. I want my babies back. Looking at these photos tugs at my heart and brings tears to my eyes.
I know the only guarantee in life is change. Yes, I get that. But why must change always be difficult? The last two years of my life have been a series of very difficult events that have tested my mettle and challenged me to survive like no other time in my life. I have lost all that was dear to me over the past 18 months. A really good job. The house I worked so hard to buy. My car. My independence. My financial cushion and retirement accounts. One of our 12 year old Lab/Boxer pups. And now...finally, God help me, I am facing the loss of my children.
Not because I am a bad Mom. I'm not! I've done a damned fine job with my kids. Their father will even (however grudgingly) admit that over the last 16 years I carried and then raised these children and done a good job ofit. They have turned out to be amazing people. He gladly admits that part and I know he'd like to take the credit, but he can't. He wasn't around.
But their Dad, who has had nothing much to do with the kids since we split up in 1995 has had a change of heart and decided now HE wants custody. The kids are 16 years old tomorrow. Two years left until adulthood....AND NOW HE WANTS TO BE A DADDY???? What the....???
What's crazy is that under laws in our state, children aged 14 and older GET TO CHOOSE who they want to live with, and I am told that most judges almost always abide by the wishes of the child(ren).
My kids have NO idea what they are doing. This choice of theirs, I fear, will turn out badly for all involved. Its like I'm standing on the sidelines watching a train wreck about to happen, and I am helpless to do anything to stop it.
Don't get me wrong, I want my kids to be happy. I really do. But I can't help but look back at my own past, and realize how VERY LITTLE I knew about life at 16. I left home for good when I was 9 months older than they are now. I lived at my best friend's house for a brief period of time....long enough to scrape up some money for a cheap apartment on the wrong side of town. I finished high school by going to school during the day and working at night. I became an adult way too soon, long before I was ready.
I haven't lived with my parents since left home at almost 17. I have the advantage of looking back and understanding the deeply important ramifcations of these kinds of decisions at this stage in life and 16-18 is a terribly important time. It's when the footprint for the reat of your life is shaping up.
I missed out on a lot. I graduated from high school a whole quarter early and went from working part time to full time. I missed my prom. Homecoming. Senior pranks. Hanging out with friends. The last day of high school. Graduation practice. Graduation beach trip. Because I was already a working stiff who couldn't get time off work for such childish pleasures.
WHY was I in such a rush to grow up? WHY didn't I listen to my parents? WHY did I put them an "all or nothing" position?
And WHY are my children doing the same thing now? They have decided the grass is greener at their Dad's. Well, maybe he has more money. Maybe he's funny (for now). Maybe they just know they can squeeze more money out of him and his Dad by playing the guilt card...."You miseed the first 16 yaers of my life...you owe me"??? I don't know why they are doing this. I really don't.
But I know that I am in pain as I sit back and prepare to watch my children take such a similar route as I did at their age, and they have NO idea how their choices now could totally and completely derail or destroy their lives. Kinda the way I did.
My gosh, if I could only go back in time and un-do the damage I did to my life. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I would go back and give myself a real stern lecture about me and my behavior.
This is what I would tell my 16 year old self:
1. Pace yourself. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Dont rush growing up, you have a LONG time to deal with the headaches and heartaches of adulthood. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can. Once you're an adult, you don't get those teen years back.
2. Stay at home and finish high school with your peers. Go to college and FINISH. GET YOUR DEGREE. "Some college" looks completely crap on a resume or job application. It most certainly does NOT look nearly as impressive as letters after your name, like RN, BSN, PharmD, PhD, MD, DDS, DVM, or whatever that indicates you actually finished school and did something valuable with that time.
3. ALWAYS save 10% off your paycheck on payday. Figure out a way to make it happen. ALWAYS. Even if you have to get a 2nd job to put money in savings. DO IT, because, trust me a rainy day (or DAYS as in my case) WILL COME! Be prepared.
4. Here's the order for doing adult things: high school, college/under grad, grad school (optional), specialised advanced degrees (optional), get your own place, engagement, marriage, honeymoon, children....and then wash and repeat for the next generation.
5. Don't get ANY of those steps out of order, or you risk destroying your life, or at the bare minimum having a crap life. Trust me on this, I know.
6. Life IS better when it's shared. If you love someone, make sure they treat you with respect, and you treat them the same. Make sure they're your best friend first. Looks fade. Chemistry fades. Attraction fades. And when that's gone, you'll be glad you still have your best friend by your side. :)
7. Spend time with your grandparents at every opportunity. Call them. Write them. Keep the lines of communication open. Write down or tape record their funny stories and the family history. Document who/what/where/when on the backs of those old photos. That info is probably stuck in their heads...and nowhere else, and nobody else has it. Just them. They don't live forever, and when they're gone, they're gone and its too late then.
8. Learn its OK to say "I'm sorry". Would you rather be RIGHT or HAPPY? If it's happy, then learing the fine art of apologizing when you're wrong is the route to happiness.
9. Go to church occasionally. Let God know you're grateful for His great gifts....the main one being your life.
10. Honor thy Father and Mother. Especially your Mom. She deserves respect, if for no other reason than she carried you and gave birth to you, and then raised your butt for 16+ years--while she put HER life on hold.
11. Make an effort to get along with your siblings...you never know when you'll need them.
12. Try to enjoy life and live in the PRESENT. Not the past. Not the future. The right here, right now. Make each day count, because you never know what day is your last day.
13. Forgive. Let bygones and tresspasses go. Nursing a grudge only hurts YOU.
14. Keep a journal and write. WRITE. WRITE.
15. Read. Watch less TV. Who cares about the internet, Facebook, Twitter, Blogging, etc (and of course, if I had this conversation with MY 16 year old ME, I would have a difficult time explaining all but TV to my 16 year old ME). ;)
That's about all I can think of for now. I just know that my 16 year old me was headstrong, stubborn and she listened to absolutely NO ONE. Nobody. She likely would have a really good laugh if I told her that in 30 some odd years she would weigh what I weigh, have gray hair (and color it), a few stretch marks and a c-section scar, would be divorced, live alone and have a broken heart because her kids left home too soon.
No, my 16 year old me would tell the middle-aged me to f-off with all this good advice and my cautionary tale of "don't turn out like this, kid". Yeah, she would. In a heartbeat. She would tell me that I am about as dumb as her mother. And she would believe it. Deeply.
Just about as deeply as my own daughter (who by the way looks remarkably like the real-life 16 year old me from so long ago. Except her hair is darker than mine. But the attitude and outright contempt is there in her eyes. The same as it was in mine.
And now I know how I broke my own mother's heart. I suppose I am being paid back.
Guess what Mom?
I got that daughter just like me that you wished upon me so many years ago! Fortunately, she came with a twin brother who has been so much easier on me than she has been.
And so it goes...another generation, another generation gap. I hope I live long enough to see my kids raise their own children to adulthood. Especially to see if my dear daughter gets a daughter just like HER.
Ahhhhh....I feel better just having gotten this off my chest.
Happy Birthday, Sweet 16, kids!
I love you!
~~~Mom
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