And so it goes....life in 2011.

So, here it is...mid-January 2011. I'm not any better at blogging regularly, unfortunately. For some reason I haven't had much to say in a while. Perhaps this is the result of depression. Probably. There's not much uplifting or peppy or...even interesting going on in my life lately. No stories about the kids...they've decided to go stay with their Dad. He lives closer to their school and friends, and he has a car. I do not. I live in a part of town with bus access, which means its not really a nice part of town. But, it is what it is. At least I'm not homeless.

We lost one of our 11 year old pups just two days before Christmas. Our Katie-bell. She was a sweet girl and I miss her like crazy. It still seems like she's just at the vets and she'll be home any day. But...she's not. We had her cremated and her ashes are in an urn waiting to be picked up at the vets. I am going to try to catch a bus next week and go pick her up. I can't leave her there for long. I don't want anything to happen to her ashes. She is...afterall...as loved as both my children. She was family. She was ours. And she mattered. A LOT, to us.

Her sister, Georgie, is still alive but I fear she won't last much longer herself. It has been so sad and pathetic watching her adjust to being an only dog. The last time she saw her sister, Katie was getting into a car...with the kids and their Dad. So whenever we go out for a walk, Georgie checks every car in the parking lot for her sister. And then she checks every place Katie visited the last couple of times she went out to potty. It breaks my heart. Even after two snow storms, her sister's scent must still be lingering, because she goes back to exactly the same spots each time.

I'm really ready for something GOOD to happen in 2011. 2009-2010 have sucked badly for me. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing to show for my half century on this planet...that is, except for my kids. And I feel like a visitor in their lives lately. Even though I spent the last 16 years of my life raising them singlehandedly without their father's help. Every second of the last 16 years has been devoted to my children and their lives. Every dime I have made has been devoted to the raising and supporting of my children. Everything....EVERYTHING I have done the last 16 years has been about my kids. I haven't dated. I didn't get married after their Dad, I focused completely on THEM.

And now, without them, I have no idea what to do with myself. Who am I, if not a Mom? I don't feel like a Mom anymore. I didn't get to finish raising my children. I guess I am a cautionary tale...don't let MY LIFE happen to you. I should have had a social life while the kids were growing up, but truth be known, it's exhausting just working full time and attending children's activities. WHEN would I have had time to date...or heaven forbid...remarry? How do other women with children do it? I don't know how they did/do.

So, this year, I suppose my goals are: 1) Suitable new employment. 2) a new car (I have none now) and 3) a (gasp) boyfriend? At FORTY-EIGHT? Oh my.

There. I said it. Those are not my New Year's resolutions. Just goals. My New Year's Resolution is simply this: To enjoy life and appreciate the people in my life.

Seems easy huh? Not. I'm a worrier and permanently anxious person. Enjoying anything is difficult for me. That is...unless it's food or other things that are bad for you. Then I tend to enjoy too much. Such is the way of life.

I am cautiously optimistic that 2011 will turn out better than 2010 or 2009, but I'm not counting on it. If I can actually ENJOY this year, rather than simply exist from day to day, it will be a major thing for me.

Let's see what happens, eh?