The...first love...

You remember that first love? The person you thought you could never live without? That if they left, you'd actually die?

Seems we all have one, and most people end up finding out that they don't die if that person is no longer in their life. Some people are lucky and get to marry and live their lives with that person--I sometimes envy them. And sometimes I'm glad that my first love moved on, married someone else and had a family. He grew up. He probably wouldn't have had we stayed together.

And I grew up too...something I might not have done either had we stayed together. It took me a while after he left to pull myself together. I was sad beyond words, and many a night I prayed I would die, but I kept on waking up, so I knew I had no choice but to put my life back together. And so I did. I packed my stuff up and moved to a brand new apartment, in another part of town where I knew absolutely no one and where it was very unlikely I would bump into anyone who knew "us".

I sold my car and bought myself a Mustang. A fast one. I got a new job, working with new people, doing something new. And while working I met....my (one day to be) ex husband. We were friends for years before we ever became involved. Namely because he was already married to #1.

I became #2 after she threw him out and asked for a divorce. Initially I just felt sorry for my old buddy, and so we spent time drinking beer, hanging out and patching up his broken heart for what it was worth. Somehow eventually we became a couple. I don't exactly recall how that happened or whose idea it was, but it seemed OK to me. He was my best guy friend in the whole world and I trusted he wouldn't break my heart like my first love did. He had been there to help me through the aftermath of those troubled times when I didn't think I could go on again. He was around when I bought the mustang and moved miles away from "home", just so I didn't have to run into our friends. He saw the wreckage that I was and that my first love caused, so I knew he wouldn't do that me. But, yet he did. And what sucked was I couldn't go to my best friend and tell him about the newest bastard that broke my heart--because *he* was that bastard.

At any rate he broke my heart, but not before we had a set of beautiful boy/girl twins to add to his 7 year old daughter and 6 year old son (who are now 22 and 21 years old). For a short time, anyway, I had the family I always dreamt of. I am called "Udder Mudder" by the steps, and could't possibly love them more than my own blood children.

So now I am tied to the father of these four amazing children for the rest of my life. Most of the time he hates me, but of course he hates wife #1 and #3 also, so as #2 I am in good company. Most of the time I am indifferent to him--unless he is trying to actively turn my kids against me or trash talk me in front of them or on their phones in text message, then I take great umbrage. Who wouldn't?

I have spent the last 15 years raising our twins, at the expense of having a life of my own. I put everything I had into raising thees kids--my heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears, finances, IRA, 401(k), my cars, everything. I have nothing now in the way of material goods, it's all been spent on the kids when Dad couldn't bother to send child support or buy a Christmas Card or Birthday card for the kids.

But back to the wreckage of my life--I have few (real) friends. Yes, I know Moms of my kids friends and Moms on this committee or that, but they're not really true friends. They're acquaintances. And somehow my real friends from years ago have fallen by the wayside and I can't even get in touch with some of them. And that includes dating too. Who has time to date when you're raising kids? I haven't. That's not to say I haven't gone out on a date or two over the years, but darned few guys were as much fun to spend time with as my kids. And the only one I ever liked enough to even consider a relationship of any sort wanted nothing to do with being tied down.

Which leaves me in my 40's and single....and guess who will be coming to town soon? Yes. The (now) divorced (for 4 years) first love. He wants to see me when he comes to town. You know, I had to really think about that. Did I really want to open that can of worms? Or not?

I've got a about a month before he's here. I'm in touch with his brother (who has always been a good friend to me, in fact just got off the phone with him). So who's to know what the future holds? I may see him, I may not. There may be time, or may not be time. Life is strange and fickle, and nobody knows whats ahead.

So I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens! Anything's possible...or not.

Jeny